Tuesday, 30 January 2007

Elephant Canon

Had to do this - the canonical elephant jokes list. I am so woeful... This is from the late 90's so the emails probably don't work any more, in any case I've broken them with spaces.


-----------------------------------------------------INTRODUCTION------------
In the imortal words of "tsh adow @ cari na . un m . edu (The Shadow)"Yeah, yeah, elephant jokes are stupid, but when under the influence of cheap beer and even cheaper tequilla, they can be pretty amusing.

This list has been generated from my own collection, as well as the lists of "The Shadow" and "bo bk @ gibdo . eng r . wash in gton . edu".
Each joke is separated by a line with "==".
There are may similar jokes included here, and I will try to tidy them up before the next posting.
WARNING: some of these jokes are considered "semi-x-rated" please take this into consideration when distributing this list

PS. If you have any more jokes to add to this list, please send them to me.

------------------------------------------------------NON-QA JOKES------------
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession.

The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.

The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"

The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."

==

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was$10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000.

All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump.Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000.

Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no." Same deal as before: $10 per entry,$50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail.

Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?"

The elephant nods yes.

The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?"

The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....

==

Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good gimmick to get people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at the time and the parade for the circus was on. As the elephants went by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don't laugh.

He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant. It just so happen that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the elephant.

Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading: "Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."

Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and soon the jar was almost full.

Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear you will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000."

"Yeah, he's out back"

After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could be heard coming from behind the bar. Every one in the bar raced back to see what was going on. When they got there the elephant was LAUGHING!!! The man could not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant laugh.

A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading:

"Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."

Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the elephant to stop laughing. Finally the man who had gotten the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the elephant from laughing.

Seeings as no one had, he once more went back behind the bar to see the elephant.
In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. Allthe patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears running down its cheeks. Once again a bet was a bet and the bar owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry.

"Easy." said the man, "When I first went back there I told him my dick was bigger than his. And now I just proved it."

==

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.

Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?".

Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don'tbelieve I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"

With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to,but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"

==

PACHYDERMIC PERSONNEL PREDICTION by Peter C. Olsen
A bold new proposal for matching high-technology people and professions

Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and millions of dollars in funding. This is particularly true for high-technology organizations where talent is scarce and expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by the finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel optimization have resulted in the development of a simple and foolproof test to determine the best match between personality and profession. Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned the jobs for which they are truly best suited.

The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt elephants. The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined below. The subject should be assigned to the general job classification that best matches the observed behavior.

CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will
(1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
(2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

Sales People don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

Software sales people ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

Hardware sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

VALIDATION A validation survey was conducted about these rules. Almost all the people surveyed about these rules were valid. A few were invalid, but they expected to recover soon. Based on the survey, a statistical confidence level was determined. Ninety-five percent of the people surveyed have at least 67 percent confidence in statistics.

ACKNOWLEDGMENT This study has benefited from the suggestions and observations of many people, all of whom would prefer not to be mentioned by name.

==

Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed acork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go. A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.

One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung. The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance.

The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer.

BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!

The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second(2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.

"What the %$*& is so funny?" asked one of the scientist.

"You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!"

==

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"

His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk.""No, at the other end."

"That son is the tail.""No, mummy, the thing under the elephant"

A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "Thats nothing."

The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question. "Daddy, what is that long thing?"

"That's the trunk, son" replies the father."No at the other end."

"Oh, that is the tail.""No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.

"That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?"

"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.

Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."

==

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:
The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

==

Hickory Dickory Dock,
An elephant ran up the clock,
The clock is being repaired.

==

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.

"Damn", says the ant, "one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------QA JOKES--------
Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.
==
Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.
==
Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
==
Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
==
Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
==
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.
==
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
==
Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.
==
Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.
==
Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.
==
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
==
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
==
Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
==
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
==
Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
==
Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
A: He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree.
- similar joke -
Q: Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
==
Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A native eating cherries.
==
Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.
==
Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.
==
Q: How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
A: Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.
==
Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.
==
Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute practice.)
==
Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.
==
Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?
A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg... Booooiiiiiinnnngggg... Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...
==
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
==
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
==
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
==
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
==
Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
A: An elephant's foreskin.
==
Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.
==
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.
==
Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)
==
Q: If an elephant's front legs are going 5 mph, what are it's back legs doing?
A: Hauling ass, baby, hauling ass!!
==
Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?
A: You can't get the toilet seat down.
==
Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.
==
Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
==
Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagon bug?
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back
==
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.
==
Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.
==
Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.
==
Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW bug parked outside it.
==
Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge. A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!

Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, get two VW's out, put tarzan in, close door.
==
Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
==
Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!
==
Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.
==
Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.
==
Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
A: The sun roof.
==
Q: The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the VW bug.
==
Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
A: None, the elephants are in there!
==
Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!
==
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.
==
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.
==
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: You walk him and pitch to the Zebra! (I heard Rhino, from "HOT SHOTS")
==
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: Its bike is outside.
==
Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.
==
Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
==
Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
==
Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
==
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.
==
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
==
Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.
==
Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
==
Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?
A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.
==
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."
==
Q: What did Jane say?
A: Here come the blueberries. (Jane was color blind)
==
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
==
Q: How do you make an elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons tons of bananas,.....
==
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamp out forest fires.
==
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamp out flaming ducks.
==
Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
==
Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
==
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They can't tell time.
==
Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?
A: Watchless natives.
==
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)
==
Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
==
Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.
==
Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.
==
Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
A: She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.
==
Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.
==
Q. Why do elephants have four feet?
A. Because lady elephants have big twats.
==
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
==
Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Snakes.
==
Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A: Epileptic pigmies.
==
Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: 'Cos sheep don't have strings.
==
Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?
A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
==
Q: What is an elephant's sex organ?
A: His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!
==
Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatoligist.
==
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.
==
Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
A: "Why can't I be on top this time?"
==
Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?
==
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
==
Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?
A: Wipe it off!
==
Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A: None of the offspring survived.
==
Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass?
A: VERY attractive.
==
Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?
A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!
==
Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).
==
Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
A: Cos(Theta) Note: Assumes elephant = grape = 1
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.
==
Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.
==
Q: What's grey and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.
==
Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A: Swim for your life!!
==
Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?
A: To trip low flying canaries.
==
Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
A: He wasn't laying on his back.
==
Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?
A: Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. (somebody want to explain this for me?) (It's okay we all know it...)
==
Q: Whats that red stuff between elephants toes?
A: Slow pygmies.
==
Q: What do you do when you see a thousand elephants coming down the mountain slopes?
A: Swim for your life!
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A: A dead ant.
==
Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.
==
Q: What does an elephant with a runny nose (trunk) need?
A: A blow job.
==
Q: How do you make an elephant fly?
A: Start with a 3 foot zipper.
==
Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A: An elephant with spare parts
==
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: To pick up the squashed chicken.
==
Q: What is the height of ambition?
A: An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.
==
Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.
==
Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Garbage bags!
==
Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture!
==
Q: Why do pygmies wear giant condoms on their heads?
A: Because if an elephant steps on them, they're fucked!
==
Q: What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized he'd stepped on a pygmie?
A: Look what I just stepped in!
==
Q: What do elephants use for slippers?
A: Sheep!
==
Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat?
A: A dead rat with an 18 inch asshole!
==
Q: What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?
A: Elephant boogers.
==
Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Dodge?
A: 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.

Scientific Advances - Where Are They Now?

Just found this clipping from a website taken in 2001 - deserves to go in the "wehre are they now?" category doesn't it?

Seaweed Could End Angst for Pimply Teenagers
PARIS (Reuters) -

It's red, smelly, grows in the sea -- and it could spell the end of hours of angst in front of the mirror for teenagers stricken by pimples or dandruff.

A company on a tiny island off western France has stumbled across the special powers of a common seaweed which it says can combat two of the scourges of adolescent life.

``It's not a miracle cure but it can make spots more manageable and less visible,'' said Jean-Yves Moigne, director of cosmetics and nutritional products maker Algue et Mer by telephone from Ile d'Ouessant, off the coast of Brittany.

The seaweed will also hold off dandruff completely with regular use, he told Reuters on Tuesday.
Moigne discovered the cure by accident after he spent weeks shifting tons of the fertile seaweed, and then spent six years developing it.

``One day I was so fed up with it I decided to analyze it to see if it was any use for anything,'' Moigne said. ``We found anti-bacterial molecules...and when we tested it against dandruff and acne we found it was very effective.''

The molecules that nestle inside the tough tendrils of the asparagopsis algae are so potent that 2.2 pounds will make one ton of spot cream, Moigne said.

He said his five-strong company had patented the ingredient in Europe, the United States and Japan and hoped it would hit the market in the second half of next year.

And speaking of technology that may or may not be real, how about these guys: http://www.d-b.net/dti/ hehehe this got a LOT of aggro back in 2001 before people worked out it was bull...

Monday, 29 January 2007

QOTD: Quote Of The Decade.

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous liberal press, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

- (This definition has been attributed to students at Texas A&MUniversity. Just so you will know that Aggies know how to domore than build bonfires.)

Daylight Saving Stuffed.

Daylight saving - flop! Over 23,000 people responded a resounding NO! to daylight saving compared to only 7,000 wanting more.

Mr D'Orazio, take a bloody hint. We don't want it. We never wanted it over the referenda held in the past, we never asked you to instate it this time, and we have very little time for a political stunt.

Here is ONE very important reason, Mr D'Orazio: It squanders electricity. During the hottest time of the day, WA citizens used to work at their workplaces, where one air conditioning system could provide the climate control for several tens to several hundred people. They went home later in the day when the weather had cooled down a little, and got to sleep during the cool part of the night.

Nows, thanks to you, they all go home an hour earlier, turn on their airconditioning systems an hour earlier thus ensuring that the peak lasts longer and consumes more power (as 100 individual a/c systems consume far more than one large a/c system at work) and then have to try to get to sleep while temperatures are still in the high 20's and early 30's, and then have to get up an hour earlier.

Thanks for doing your bit for conservation and public health, Mr D'Orazio - I sincerely hope that you can honestly and truthfully produce all those emails you claim you get which hail you as a "hero" because I suspect that for every one of those that you got, if you're honest you'll admit you get 100 hailing you as a dickhead. Personally I side with the latter camp myself.

Now pull your head in, we do not need "more time to get used to it" we need you to get used to the fact that we'd rather save energy, save our own energy, and to hell with time parity with the eastern states. Come on, honestly, where do you stop this stupidity? We have a lot of ties with the USA - does that mean you'd like everyone to get up at 9PM in the evening? Grow a brain Mr D'Orazio - time zones are there for a reason.

Saturday, 27 January 2007

wow 3 in a row!

Today is the third fire I've watched in 24 hours.

Balga Fire 2007 01 27 13:30hrs

Balga Fire 2007 01 27 13:30hrs

This fire in Balga around Mirrabooka Ave and the highway was quickly brought under control by two water bomber choppers but provided some spectacle while it lasted. Once again I was at the scene without a camera to record it, but the mobile phone cam did a semi-passable job of it.

There appears to be no property damage or injury, several roads in the vicinity were temporarily closed to prevent accidents, and the strong breeze seems to have helped blow this particular blaze out rather than fan it, possibly because it was confined to a strip of bushland between major roads.

The Smart Of Cat

A while ago now, I posted about when we were remodelling the first bathroom, and Ghostie Cat Esq followed me to the shower every night. At that stage there were no shower curtains so he had to sit out of spray range, but he stuck it out in this environment for several nights. He watched me, I thought because he was worried about a member of his pride getting under water. But it turned out to be much more than that.

Night after night, he'd walk in, sit at a safe distance, and observe. On the third evening, he gave a sharp meow, and started washing himself, then lookign toward me, then washing himself again. A message had been passed. "Ha! I know why you do that! You're not so different to me after all - you wash yourself!"

So there is a certain amount of culture that cat societies develop and pick up. When Fwuffee discovered that he liked beef jerky, the other cats picked up from his posture that this was what he considered bloody good tucker, and they all came to beg a scrap of it. But it seem 3 out of 4 ginger cats will reject good biltong, and it's still Fwuffee's special treat.

In the last year I've started buying diced beef heart and diced beef kidney for them, they share one tin of cat food in the morning, and around 150g of diced whatever's on top in the evening. Evening is a bit of a ceremony. Originally, this developed from Ghostie begging the meat offcuts when I was cooking. At first, he would walk to where the dropoff had been placed, smell it, and then come back to me to say thank you.

Then the other cats caught on to the culture if not the spirit of the event, and if he came to thank me another cat would scoff his morsel, so the thank-you's went by the wayside. Then I started the official offal feed every night and now Ghostie could feel confident enough that he started thanking me again. And now the other cats also go, sniff, return, and thank me, before they settle down to eat.

That's culture being passed between them, right there. They have a very attuned sense of culture. And ours are developing a dandified culture because they get so many of the good things in life and now expect it.

So tonight I can't sleep. Heat and walking have caused lactic acid buildup and given me restless leg syndrome - all over. So at 4:30 in the morning I go have a shower. Ghostie comes to sit and then herd me to the kitchen to prepare the diced food, because this has become a custom between him and me. He guards my shower, I follow his meowing excited fuzzbutt to the kitchen where I bring on the food.

As luck would have it I'd let us run out of diced bits for the cats so I told him "sorry, I don't have any to give to you tonight." As I walked out he remained sitting - he'd worked it out from my tone of voice.

So very clever, our furry buddies. So perceptive. So glad we have ours because they always surprise me.

Skyshow 07

We still managed to get into Perth to see the Skyshow - made it with 5 minutes to the start, and then left and took an hour to get out of the city due to the heaps of traffic. But it was still 38 degrees at 9PM, the sun went down the fireworks started and it was a good show. Even the usual yobbos seemed to be a touch more admiring and much less arseholes than on other nights. And the fireworks were awesome. The finale thundered, and then as we left the barges on the river (five of them this year, I remember when we were hard pressed to have two) kept disgorging more and more little bursts of fireworks, maybe another 15 - 20 minutes' worth of low-key pyrotechnics. We'd already started back for the car so kept going and during the whole 20 minutes it took to get out of the carpark (!!!) there were more and more little shows from the river.

Little amusing touches - a bunch of LOUD little Japanese people, two girls trying to take pictures around us so I pointed to the spot in front of me and Trish sort of looked like WTF - I said "Hell I can look over them they are the magic height!" and she didn't get it but their Japanese token male did - he looked at the other two girls near him to see if they'd heard it and looked a bit shocked at first and then this grin spread across his face as he got it...

At one stage there was an excellent fusillade from the barges with almost perfectly spaced bursts and the aforementioned yobbos must have been walking past because in a perfect Aussie inflection I heard "FARK yeah!" from behind me... And some drunk guy yelling "I L O V E you!" to no-one and everyone.

Didn't take a camera as the digitals have such bad shutter lag and two years ago I gave them up after that Skyshow. This year they had a couple of powerful lasers too and put on a lame but better than nothing show, I thought they could have made much better use of them.

So another celebration of being Aussie (other than beating the Poms at cricket) has slipped into memory and once again I loved every moment of the evening.

Friday, 26 January 2007

What To Do

... when you can't be on the foreshore due to a nasty bug. This will be the first time in a very long time that we haven't been in the thick of it, but when things get like this you gotta stay home... This time is Trish's turn to feel unwell so we'll watch the festivities on TV and we've already started to party here, how does an Aussie Australia Day at home go again?

Start with a few good cold beers - check, these babies were as cold as you can get in liquid form. Made the midday heat bearable at any rate. Some good Aussie cheddar, Tasmanian blue cheese, Turkish olives, German sausage for snackie sized stuff, on crackers, natch.

And then a cup of India's finest tea for Trish, and for me:

Espresso, Deployed.

A good Italian coffee in long black form.

Ah Australia is a lucky country, now if only we could get some real politicians...

Thursday, 25 January 2007

Vmoto with the mostest

The other day, to pander to my liking for taking coffee with me, ScrappyV the VMoto gained a new accessory -

Scrappy now has - a drink holder


Yep it now has a cup holder - I tested it with the water bottle and it has stood up to my rigorous tests (I drove it around for three days) and I'm satisfied it won't spill my precious Lavazza when I take the thermos cup with me.

The cup holder expands to fit various sized cups, is neatly tucked out of the way of all but the LONGEST legs, and because you need two hands to remove the cup (yep it holds that well) it is safe because you have to stop the scooter before taking a drink. I've found the best mounting location for it, the best cup holder (it folds away to a flat square pad when you aren't using it and is available in three colours) and have spare stainless hardware for fitting them if anyone wants one fitted to their Milan 50cc.

Before I forget

I have still got a load of books on the yardsale site, sorry only Perth people or people able to pick up in Perth should make offers, because Australia Post's rates are ridiculous and can double or even quadruple the cost of what are supposed to be good cheap books. Just take a note of the books you want and email me an offer and I'll put them aside for you and let you know where to come to pick them up.

Hehehe The Petrol Price Shuffle

She said "you have to admit you're powerless to control petrol companies" but we know what she meant to say to Graham Samuel (ACCC)...

Look - I stand by my claim that our government is the most nutless government in the history of the world, bar none. I have to admit that Mr Samuel's cojones are well and truly useless against petrol companies, and I have to say that his straight-faced backflipping and egg-dancing and denials that he'd ever beaten his chest ("the statements WE made..." rather than taking the applause himself, how selfless of him) have now ranked him as the highest falsetto in our generally useless and inefficient government choir.

And on that note, I know I indulge in rather a lot of Howard bashing, (well, he DOES make himself almost as easy a target as George Bush,) but I have to hand the Golden Gonad Award to him for his statements on the Big Day Out "pseudo-ban" on the Australian Flag. And I take my hat off to all the young people who took a flag to the BDO, and stuck it to Ken West and the BDO pack of politically apologetic mismanagers.

And now I am watching the detox your house segment on A Current Affair (yes Penelope some people still watch it, hello everyone at Swan Television STW9 Perth!) and I have to say that our house is halfway there already - look, please get a copy of my book The Body Friendly Zen Cookbook for yourself. If you can't afford it please leave me an email and I'll mail you a copy - the principles are the same whether it's food or drink or junkfood or cleaning products or beauty products - and it's all in these books.

Basically, look around yourself. Why are there so many health and diet books all touting this one thing, detoxifying your life and using body and Earth friendly products? It's because there is this HUGE discrepancy between what our bodies can digest and what manufacturers wish they could. I'm happy to let my book go out free to readers of the blog, as long as it changes your habits, be it slightly or extremely. I want you as my readers for years to come. It's an E-book so there's no shipping or postage involved, just email me okay? I mean, I need the income but I'm willing to forego it for my readers and acquaintances. And if you have any web programming skills you may even be able to help me with the website, and get on the way to fame and glory....

Wednesday, 24 January 2007

Time Travel - Thoughts

Is it going to happen? Not "is it possible" because apparently that's been answered and yep if you had more energy than there is in the entire Universe, then you could move to any point in time you cared to - a moot point because with that much energy being used, time in the Universe would effectively stop. Heck, the Universe would effectively stop being. But it could be done. Once.

But I subscribe to another theory. Let me lay it out for you.

I was arguing with a late good friend of mine years ago, about whether or not God could have created a Universe that by definition had to include Himself. He told me I had better start praying and being Very Good.

The argument goes that we agree that the Universe is big. Infinite in fact. With infinite things going on all the time.

And we've all heard that old saw that if a million mokeys were to bash away at a million typewriters for millions of years, then one day, by pure chance, one of the monkeys would come up with a random string of letters and spaces which looked exactly like this post. (And that is a sobering thought right there, I'd better stop before I get depressed...)

So, this leads to an interesting corollary: Because the Universe is infinite, everything that is possible must be happening in the Universe, somewhere, right now. Including a monkey pulling a sheet of paper from a typewriter and thinking to itself "TEdALOG? WTF?" Hardly bears thinking about, does it? Replaced by a million monkeys with a million old Atwater-Kents.

But this corollary also means, quite definitely, that somewhere in the Universe, right now, God has created the Universe and is the Lord of All. And this only has to be true once, anywhere, to apply to the whole Universe...

So it's equally certain that somewhere, right now, someone has just found the Secret Loophole that allows anyone with a million monkeys typing all the Infinite Names Of God to travel backwards or forwards in time just by hitting the carriage return lever. And that means that our past would not be fixed, our future would be uncertain, and the present would be on pretty shaky ground. Which is exactly where we are, so you know that right now has already happened...

Tuesday, 23 January 2007

Trash Tourists Or Just Nature Cleaning Up?

Insofar as the so-called "trash tourists" who are busy scavenging the stuff washing ashore in the UK, from that container ship reefing - I say good on them, at least the amount of crap on the beaches is being reduced.

According to the news tonight, "frustrated" Police are going to close the beach tomorrow to prevent people "looting" containers which have already been pretty much written off as lost cargo and which, even if recovered, would not be saleable goods anyway. (Unless someone pulled a swiftie with the insurance, anyway.)

If the Police and Emergency Services over there spent less time worrying about the two hundred or so containers that appear to be all that washed ashore, they could spend that time on the salvage operation. And the beaches would get most of the way to cleaned up, for free.

Geez there are some bureaucratic losers around. It almost looks like the British Government would rather face a double or treble beach cleanup bill than to let their population have any kind of windfall or happiness. No wonder they are such a laced-up bunch compared to Aussies. (Although, I must say, the Howard Government is working hard at making Australia as miserable as the UK or the USA.)

Monday, 22 January 2007

Are Perth's Drivers The Worst? You Betcha!

Okay time for some support of a fellow blogger, I have to add my bits of experience in the last few months as a two wheel road user. The jury's in folks and Perth drivers are just arseholes...

Within a week of having bought Scrappy-V the plucky and adventurous VMoto Milan JX50 (yep count 'em folks a whopping 50cc, I have been known to stand in garden tool stores and drool over the engines in line trimmers) it began to dawn on me that I would be kicking in a lot of car doors:

Stirling Hwy, near the Cap'n: I'm in the leftmost lane, some courier driver with a Ford Econovan is right beside me on the right. He looks at me as though to say "get the hell off MY road" and starts moving over on me. I am looking directly in his passenger window at him, mind you. I beep the horn, he gives me this irritated look as though "how dare you" and keeps moving over. I'm sorry, I've had it with this arsehole by now - I'm wearing my steelcaps and I let fly one excellent kick at his door, it left my right leg numb for hours, and a HUGE and hopefully difficult to explain dent in his passenger door. That sorted him out, he dropped back and then stayed a LONG way back...

Stubbs Tce (I think) near Subi: Some roadwork has closed the left lane, I'm already in the right, some woman in a Subaru is right beside me and starts merging over - on top of me. I beep the horn, she looks startled, looks in her mirror and over her shoulder - obviously doesn't see me sitting righ beside her at her window... I slapped the roof and she finally saw me and let me live...

Stirling Rd Claremont: Come off Stirling Hwy and this dippy bimbo comes out of the shop parking lot road - right in front of me, yes she saw me no she didn't feel that I deserved any of the road with that tiny little motor scooter thingy - I had to lock up both wheels and let myself slide right into her, broke the impact with my boot in her passenger door. Too bad about the door luv, next time don't be an arsehole.

Today, a dickhead double!

Going in to Perth along Albany Hwy, get to that most stupid merge of Shepparton, Canning, and Albany, I'm in the right lane. Get to the Canning inroad lights, there's a crane in the left lane and a taxi with a passenger beside me. Predictably enough, he merges over on top of me. I've already got my finger on the horn button and yell at him to learn to drive. He doesn't look shaken but his passenger does. He also drops a LONG way back and stays there...

And coming back along Adelaide Tce, coming up to the Plain St lights, once again in the right lane, suddenly I have a Transperth bus inches away to my left. Fair enough there are no lanes painted but would this arsehole have taken both lanes if there's been a car there? No way. I yelled up at him "D'you mind?" and the lights change, he swerves away, get to the Causeway roundabout lights and the bus pulls into the stop. Driver is giving me daggers looks so I waved to him to listen. Gave him an earful, too. "See my number plate? I pay my bloody rego fees, I deserve a whole bloody lane to myself!" Several people in cars near me can be heard saying "yeah!" and then the lights change.

Fancy that - our public transport drivers who are supposed to be better trained than average are totally useless, what hope do other drivers have of getting trained to drive properly? I've ridden bikes and scooters to work in third-world and primitive countries and I have to say that their drivers are way better than Perth drivers.

So yeah Skribe, we have the worst drivers... Unfortunately...

Sunday, 21 January 2007

Marketing 101 . . . Revised

People often ask for an explanation of "Marketing." Well, hereit is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed,"
That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's spam.

You see two great looking brothers at a party.You decide to take them both home.
That's a 2 for 1 sale.

You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your bottom.
That's Arnold Schwarzenegger.

You like it, but 10 years later your attorney decides you were offended and files suit.
That's America.

Saturday, 20 January 2007

Windbreaking at Sunbreakers

Just returned from a pleasant afternoon in Mandurah, visiting my sister, and my niece who's down from Broome slumming it. Bought a pack of crisp chips and for some reason that gave me the worst stomach problems. Then my niece suggested dinner at Sunbreakers, which occupies what used to be the Hogs Breath Cafe near the Atrium, and I felt quite out of place, I'd basically come down in a tee shirt and work trousers as we've been cleaning house, and I had the Dodgy Guts to go with it, but even so I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

Regretfully dropped the niece back at sister's place, she's turned into a very likeable young lady and has done more in her 21 years than many of the people I work with at 45. We had about half an hour on the Foreshore before the sun was down too far to keep the sea chill out, and may get to see her one more time before she flies back, certainly hope so.

On the way home we stopped at Safety Bay and found a nice dark spot to watch our cosmic comet visitor, and luckily had binoculars with us so we got a reasonable look at it. I think it's a very beautiful proof that we're not the only game in town, with its fairy-dust tail it makes all the astronomy lessons seem pretty concrete all of a sudden.

So now I have this vision of a huge spaceliner ejecting a large chunk of frozen black water and then watching in amusement as these funny creatures on some planet about third back from their sun all line the best vantage points facing west and take photos of our big frozen sewage ball. Don't ask me why, just my warped sense of humour. I just know I'll have weird dreams tonight....

Yet another one of THOSE ads! You know the word!

Stupid Insurance Ad - "we found we save about $700 a year. It's coming at a perfect time we just got married and will put it toward a home"

I must be living somewhere that's truly weird. I mean, HUGELY weird. Because in the place I'm in, houses cost between $185k to $800k with the median price around $450k. Because in the place I'm in, you have to come up with 10% deposit for your offer, i.e between $18.5k and $80k. That means that it would take 26 years to 114 years of their saving the bonanza they saved on insurance, just to scrape together the deposit for their dream house.

Sounds attractive to me!

Wednesday, 17 January 2007

World Vision of another kind

I'm all for helping others, I honestly am. The measure of a person is by how they treat someone they don't stand to benefit from, etc etc etc... But I sometimes wonder at how some of these relief and aid organisations work.

The ad on TV at the moment says something along the lines of giving every child the conditions they deserve. I sort of agree. But follow me through on this line of thinking:

The thing these children most deserve is less siblings and peers to have to share the cake with. That means that if World Vision and all the other organisations were to do the best possible for the kids, they should educate the parents to have less children and supply condoms.

But let's face it, relief organisation staff are paid out of relief funds. If there are fewer children, there are less photo opportunities.

Am I too cynical?

Tuesday, 16 January 2007

Everything Old Is New Too

I've scrapped the old TEdAMENU Tuckertime blog, for the same reason - since my laptop got power spiked and the backup of the database corrupted, I've lost my taste for Thingamablog - although I still recommend it, just that I seem to be having a run of lousy luck - and have posted a new blog here on Blogger instead. TEdAPERTH Review is the new version of the old cafe/restaurant review and now I am including many more types of businesses in the reviews so the change is actually a Good Thing.

I'm also restarting the Zen Cookbook blog, which supports both the Body Friendly Zen Cookbook and the ZencookbookDotCom site. For those who don't know about this yet, here's a brief recap:

Almost two years ago now, I began to show signs of prostate cancer. Luckily I discovered it early, and my urologist gave me several diet tips which I developed into a full-blown diet by doing a lot of research and using myself as the guinea pig. After seven months I went back for chechups and blood tests and the results surprised my GP and my urologist so much that I decided to write it up and publish it. I've eschewed traditional publishing in favour of an e-book format, I realise that an e-book is easier to copy but I am hoping that people are basically honest and will support me for the considerable work and effort I put into the book.

I am also developing an Internet site to support legitimate buyers of the book, which means that in order to get the information on that site more people will be encouraged to pay for their copy and legitimise it.

Since developing the diet I've also discovered that it has been effective for reducing several other forms of cancer, mainly the ones related to "slow inflammation" which my diet reduces, thereby robbing the cancer of new cells. And while I was on the intensive cycle of the diet I was also losing a steady kilogram a month bringing me closer to my ideal weight. Your mileage may vary.

While I was publishing and sorting out the book, I also found that there were other subjects that were able to fit under the aegis of "zen" and "cookbook" - so I am expanding the site to include other books and other authors, with the common theme that they have to be "cookbooks" i.e. instructions, and they have to be Zen, i.e. to be good for people and the environment, and cause as little evil as possible. So you will soon find books and articles on solar energy, water rfecycling, biodiesel, sustainable farming, self-help, and more at the site.

Wednesday, 10 January 2007

Yes.

You have to admit, any company that can make you switch after a lifetime of being with one company for one of modern life's necessities has to be something special; many of us form lifelong allegiances to particular products and services, and such customers are the backbone of any company's customer base.

It's the swinging consumer that makes the difference for a company. Let's face it, a company can only pick up new customers as they come of age, so their growth rate is to a great degree limited by the birth rate. So any customer they can win from a competitor is an edge to them, and that's why telcos and telephone companies phone you with better and better offers, because they want your swinging ass. (Be nice, people - you knew what I meant!)

In the case of fast food companies, they pretty much have your lardy ass as soon as you're old enough to eat solid foods, these days. They woo you with meal deals and specials, but the fact remains that if there weren't more people being born than are dying or heart attacks, their market would never grow. Since they have already got your share, more or less, they have a strategy, and that's to increase the size of the meal they serve you, and charge you for it. See? Your health doesn't enter into it, it's just a sales exercise to them.

In my case, I've been with Telstra since I could lease a phone line or since there were mobile phones. I haven't had a landline for years, and now my mobile phone is with another provider. And who accomplished that switch? Telstra did... Yep, Telstra did what no amount of buy one get one free offers could, they beat the ads with chicks and virgins and dodo birds and lions (my current favourite ad series) and got me to shift to Optus by one simple expedient: They fucked up one time too many.

I was on the road and wanting to phone someone and my credit ran out. No problem, I have my credit card on file with them and it just takes one call to their recharge number. Or does it? I was informed after going through the menu choices that my credit card details had been deleted. Card was at home on the table so I was stuffed, had to ride all the way home to get it. On the way I decided that this was pretty much the last straw, and because several people I know are with Optus and love the Turbocharge account, I decided to be with Optus too.

Went to their shop aat Carousel and bought a starter kit, went home, and waited for my Telstra service to cancel. And waited, and waited, and waited... Next day I phoned Optus. "Your details on Telstra don't match what we have."

Phoned Telstra. Why are my credit card details erased? Turns out they don't have a bloody clue. Had it been a long time since I'd used recharge? Only if you call four weeks a long time... Was I sure of that? No I'm a total idiot who can't read his bank statement which is right in front of me thanks to online banking and shows a recharge made 25 days ago.

While I have you here, why are my other details wrong? I was taking a stab in the dark but I asked her why my birthdate was wrong - bingo! They had me as ten years younger than I am. Flattering, but bloody annoying. Got that corrected and then checked my address details. Hmmm I'd updated this info a few years ago but here was my previous address. Got that corrected too, rang Optus, said Yes!, and within fifteen minutes my phone was off Telscum forever.

See how a bunch of incompetent people can stuff everything up? They lost me, a very model of the plodding loyal customer. The next two to go may well be my bank end the mortgage provider, if they don't pull their socks up. Change is good! Especially when there are so many better services on offer now. Watch for the next thrilling episode...

Last one tonight, I promise!

One upside of this - having been on a good contract, I managed to scrape together a right nice Christmas. I managed to take Trish Christmas shopping for her kids, yes they are all older now but it was a bit of a "thought that counts" Christmas anyway, we barely managed to get two meaningful gifts per kid, but yep, the thought was there. And I got Trish a nice little Kodak camera, which she's stoked with, and will post some photos once she gets over the "point and shoot - EVERYTHING!" phase of camera ownership...

Meals - we went out for dinner Christmas night to the Yu at Burswood, silver service it was supposed to be, but the gentleman who took our order needs his ass kicked, impatient little Vietnamese bantam that he was. He took Trish's order and then walked away, I had to call him back for my order, and then ended by having to order our drinks all over again because he'd plain not been listening.

We went to Cafe Bella Rosa in Vic Park for a few meals, very nice indeed and they managed to get us in just before Christmas despite not booking - hats off to them. And the food is always good there.

Went to the Rose & Crown in Guildford for New Year, listened to a live blues band, drank to much, stayed the night in the fleabag rooms (never stay there! The jets bound for the airports pass directly overhead at a rate of one every 20 minutes... Beds are hard and useless, and facilities were well below par.) But they have an excellent kitchen and bar, and from outside it's all romantic and olde worlde charm-y. And honestly, we could have gone home anytime but didn't...

Surprise of the decade - the Rous Head Cafe out on the North Port, I have NEVER paid over three dollars for a plain sausage roll before, all the other three dollar ones I've ever seen all have beef bourguignon or caviar or Patagonian toothfish in them... I won't say the place is expensive, but... Hell, no - it's expensive... I like the people but often rode ScrappyV back to Fremantle town and bought lunch there and still came out cheaper.

Second biggest surprise - the silver service Yu came out surprisingly reasonable despite having soup, entree, two mains, and drinks. Oh yeah and the food was way above reproach, but then I'd expect that of an upmarket Asian cuisine restaurant.

So look for life's little surprises, some of them are quite nice.

PS: Wheeeee! Catharsis!

Some news that really irritated me

A few news items etc that have really piqued me, for better or for worse:

"Fat Tax" - Come on Government Money Making Machine, can you honestly say that making cigarettes more expensive has reduced the number of smokers? As far as I can tell there are still as many little bastards taking up the "cool" habit as ever before, the only thing that works is the advertising.

And I bet you're not putting all the extra revenue from tobacco sales towards those few ads are you? No, of course not - there's too much money to be made off people's misery isn't there? And now you have something else to tax the fuck out of. Yay go you Big Red Fire Engine!...

Another example, ladies and gentlemen, of your government bending you right over and sticking the old pork sword in - your tax dollars at work!...

Esperance Disaster - Some po-faced politician, and I'm sorry this was just so plain STUPID that I can't for the life of me tell you who said it nor the exact quote, but his general drift was that "these things are expected if you live in a place that these things are prone to happen in."

One, for the obvious circular reference, stop trying to think on your feet cos you're obviously standing on your brains.

Two, the whole effing point is that these sorts of things DON'T normally happen in Esperance otherwise it wouldn't be news-worthy, Esperance would long have been washed away to sea, and all the scientists who were on the same news story just before you wouldn't have said what a singular once-in-a-lifetime sort of storm it had been.

And three, you most fucked up bit of thinking yet, you basically said "well fuck these people, what do they expect if they live in some little country dump, they have to expect shit." But by your own statement, that includes every place in the world, because weather and disasters happen anywhere. I hope the next natural disaster takes out *your* house and home, surgically and precisely. Then say that again you naff POS.

In fact, I have a perfect place for your new home, a little-used piece of land named Maralinga. Maybe living there will cure you of your terminal dickheadedness...

If I got hold of the wrong end of this turkey's speech, tough tits. If you think you know who this Right Honourable Old Fart was, and what he was saying, by all means post a comment. But touhg shit anyway, my comments stand. If you want to be a politician you need to get your IQ above your ankles. Otherwise if you can't manage that, get out of politics and have your arse taxed off for smoking and eating like everyone else does.

Tuesday, 9 January 2007

The Inevitable Excuse. But All True, Sadly...

Okay - I departed my last workplace when my boss followed me to the shithouse to bark jobs at me, he is the first Asian person I can honestly say is a total wanker. Luckily another job was on the horizon, a short-term contract so I ended up working in Freo for a large stevedoring/shipping company while their IT person was on holidays.

Must be the time for it, a friend of mine has also been harassed by her boss, in a Justice Department no less, for "not being able to just take off whenever you feel like it" (to which she showed him her email of several days earlier, saying she had a dental appointment, and which he had not read) and then following her out to her car when she lost it and needed to get away from him, and *ripping open her car door* to keep harassing her. At which stage a Department counsellor came over just as she was phoning for Security or someone to get the asshole off her back. I'm glad to say that said boss appears to have had *his* asshole kicked in turn, but I think when a person in a position of responsibility screws up the way my boss and her boss did, it's time to put them out to pasture, because they never improve after that.

To my great amusement, my last place still doesn't have an IT person fulltime. They had a contractor who worked there a week, injured his hand, and did not come back the following week, a fulltimer whom they'd selected and who also lasted a week and was never heard from again, and now have irregular visits from an IT employment agency's various staff on call so they never know who they're getting next. Serves my boss right. Here are a few tales from the past:

  • My boss whom I'll style "TC" for reasons which will become clear as this progresses, decides to "help" me by ordering several thin clients. It is of no help at all because A) he ends up in my office two, three, four times a day for the next week asking if I have heard good things about Brand A or Brand X, and despite my saying what the hell let's get Wyse 1200LE's, he goes for some "special price" Netvistas.
  • He further decides to "help" me by ordering several PCs for staff and for a PABX application which crash/burned some weeks earlier, having been built on a superseded workstation around the Celeron era. Once again he is asking me about Manufacturer A versus Supplier Z, several times a day, for the best part of a week.
  • The Netvisasters arrive. They are second hand, have faults, and none has the claimed amount of memory in them. It takes me two days in between my other duties to establish that, and then ship them back.
  • The PCs arrive. I point out that the one for the PABX app needs a serial card as it only has one port. The supplier says no problem we'll send you one and you can just stick it in. I "stick it in" and then try to get WinXP to recognise it. Try installing the drivers off the CD - it hangs. Reboot, no extra serial ports. Uninstall them, it hangs. Etc, for about four hours.
  • After which I begin to suspect that the "special" motherboards that were so cheap might have a BIOS problem.
  • Since everything has been on the "cheap! cheap! cheap!" I nickname my boss to The Cheapness or TC for short.
  • Ring Supplier Z and ask them if they have ever installed these serial cards on these motherboards before. "Oh yeah!" comes the answer, "we do them all the time, never had a problem with one!" Ring Supplier Z's manager and his story is somewhat different: "These are new motherboards we've only just got them. And the serial cards aren't the ones we normally use, they're out of stock." Tell the manager that he has a problem with prevaricating sales staff and get them to send a technician out.
  • Meanwhile, I try to install a fairly common laser printer on the other two machines. No go, same as the serial port driver, the installation gets to a point and the machine hangs. Install another printer and that works fine. So there's a definite I/O issue. Supplier Z has meanwhile sent a tech on site to check it out, he tries and fails to install the things I am trying to install, takes the PC and serial card with him to their shop.
  • When it comes back we get a very expensive telco tech to install the PABX app, and he does so. Three days later the hard drive shits itself.
  • This has just cost me almost 30 hours of extra work, time I can't afford. But TC isn't finished yet. Because of the "new new" PCs we end up getting, one user loses her template settings in Word and complains. TC offers to "help" me by fixing the issue. I'm panicking by this stage and say I'll fix it once I've caught up but he won't hear of it. Damn...
  • He finds that the tempate system on the half PC half terminal server environment is strange indeed, and we find another little problem, half the documents have embedded links to their template files - which are on a server that was decommissioned three years earlier... Needless to say this issue alone costs me another 24 hours of my time.
That's about when he follows me into the shithouse to give me a list of jobs that he's decided are critical. Like a user not being able to access one laser printer out of a pool of 6. And similarly stupid things. What makes that fault critical? It's *his* manager that can't access the printer...

Bear in mind that I have emphysema, and stress generally makes the symptoms worse, and I have also got to take a certain amount of time off for medical appointments, and in fact took this job because we came to an agreement about flexitime and low stress due to my illness.

Okay I think that takes care of November - I was definitely in no mood to write, then I quit and organised the contract job, and then around the 27th the power bump took out my good laptop.

From then until now I've been on 24/7 call, worked mad hours, and generally also was in no mood to revive an ancient laptop so that I could blog again. And when I did, I found that the copy I took is corrupted and won't load.

So 'scuse me for not blogging but I think I have just cause.

Yeah it's ... The TEdLIVISION Show!

Dashed by the rigid digit of destiny (also known as something to do with the fickle finger of fate) I finally have the time to resume blogging. In late November a power surge in the neighbourhood took out my personal laptop and while I had a copy of the old blog database it appears to be corrupted and so I've had no blog for almost six weeks. I am BURSTING, peoples!

With any luck Synergy will replace the laptop for me as otherwise I'm stuck with this rather antiquated Toshie which would be a damn shame, it's six years old and not going to last very long. I *finally* got the paperwork sent to me after two separate phone calls, and will hopefully have a new laptop in the next few months. (Hopefully before this one bluescreens its last bluescreen...)

Loads of stuff have happened, but first I just had to set up the archive of the last few years of posts (the html on my ISP's server was still okay, just the program that generates them will not read the database any more and that means I can either start on the old ISP with a clean empty DB or else start the same as everyone else on Blogger.)

Anyhow - I've archived the last three or four years for anyone that's interested, and will now put a redirect on the old website and point everyone here.

Happy New Year all!

11-01-2006_11-30-2006

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

OH NOES!
It's finally happened!
According to our treasurer as quoted by Nine Lateline tonight, it looks like inflation is going to drop slightly due to the lower price of petrol and bananas.
Australia is officially a banana republic... %(
Categories - ::/:: posted at 12:13 AM Ted
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Thursday, November 23, 2006

OPEC Can Bite Me!
I've just acquired Scrappy-V, the answer to OPEC - a 50cc VMoto Milan, this is cool because VMoto is a bit of a local success story, and the Milan is a common sight around the streets these days.
>
And the best bit? I took Scrappy-V for it's first test flight today, from Franzone Motors in East Perth to Subi right along Wellington St and Roe St, zapped around Subi until I found where I wanted to be, and then back through Perth and out to Parkwood, a trip of about 30km, for just over a litre of fuel. That's around 3 - 4 litres/100km... So yeah, OPEC can bite me now!
Scrappy-V's not fast (60k/hr max) but easy to get around on, and I'm very pleased with the purchase. By the way, Franzone Motors have real scooters and mopeds too, some lovely Hyosungs and Piaggio Vespas, and do a great job on European marque (read "Jaguar") cars, and I have to say that you won't find more professional or pleasant people. I am stoked at the excellent price I got on Scrappy-V, stoked at the service, (they even offered to give me an accompanied riding lesson just in case I was rusty) and I hear they have one more VMoto second hand to sell... You might do worse than check it out...
Franzone Motors126 Brown Street, East Perth 60049325 4318 - ask for Joe Grasso if you want the other VMoto for pocketmoney, tell him Ted Russ sent you you may even get a few bucks off!
I was actually surprised - it's about 25 years since I rode anything with two wheels for any extended periods, and I've probably ridden about four times in the intervening time, but it was amazing how quickly old riding habits kicked in, trail right in field of vision, stop in easy escape zones, pull in arms check mirrors every few minutes - I took my virgin ride on Scrappy-V through Wellington St to Roe St to Subi and all up and down Subi in midday traffic, then headed back home via the City again, and discovered that I'm still a pretty "pro-active" (read "pushy, visible, doesn't back down") rider. Now I want to get a real bike already. And Joe's already put in the offer to upgrade me when I'm ready...
May not be long, actually - I've also changed jobs, will now be working at Freo Port for a large multinational as helpdesk/oncall support for about triple what I've been earning as a system administrator. Start is in a few weeks, so now I have to hand my notice in at my current workplace. (No great loss to me let me tell you... I had an article ready to go for this workplace but won't post it until I'm well and truly finished up there. By then it will all be old news... )
Categories - ::/:: posted at 9:08 PM Ted
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Monday, November 20, 2006

Clever Dodger, Still Didn't Dodge Though.
Just read with amusement the plight of one young Don Juan who got caught out and good. Seems his girlfriend was browsing through his phone and found a contact named "Withheld" in there. He must have thought it was great - all his calls register would show is "withheld" - but the young lady being enterprising went through his calls register and found that "Withheld" had more call records than she herself did, and, being the enterprising young woman that she is, she dialled "Withheld"s number only to be greeted by a male voice welcoming his "sweetie" or something like that. Needless to say the young man is now free to pursue his other romantic interest... %)
I'm amused by the ingenuity that went into that dodge - only to be overconfident and leave the phone laying around. I'm also amused by the twist in the tail. Gotta love ingenuity and arrogance...
Categories - ::/:: posted at 1:03 PM Ted
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Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Bent Over By Borat!
You have to hand it to the Romanians. They know how to make stuff, they just don't know how to keep it.
They've just had their village nicked by the Borat film, and they're not happy about it. But what makes this funny is that this isn't the first time. Wasn't it about a year ago that one of their pop songs was ripped off by this guy?
Categories - ::/:: posted at 8:35 PM Ted
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Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Two Swear Words In This Post
Stuff Yahoo.
There - that's the swear words out of the way. What a pack of slimes! Sorry, this more than just annoys me - they bought flickr a while back and said that one could use either ID to log into one's flickr site. That was back when they were still not quite slime...
Today I get signed out of my flickr account and lo! - I have to log in to my Yahoo (damn swore again, sorry!) account. And then it asks me if I'd like to merge the two accounts together. And when you get to that page there's your two accounts, and a huge - I mean HUGE! - cheerful looking button there that says
"Yes! Merge the accounts suckahs! I be sheep!"
And below the button, the ReadMe that says, in effect, that Yahoo (sorry, that just slipped out) have backflipped and now you will only be able to log into your flickr site using your Y*hoo account, anyway. So pardon me Y*hoo but why the heck put a button there to click to make me feel like it's all my idea? Slimy spindoctoring pack of so'n'so's.
I don't need crap like this - Yahoo, you need to learn a lesson. I think my first move might be to remove my pictures off flickr and put them into Google photos - at least they don't lie and slime and spindoctor and try to stuff me around... And then my other Yahoo features will also get relinquished and shut down, end of an era really... Too bad I actually paid flickr for my account, it's worthless to me now innit?
(exit stage left muttering under breath)
Categories - ::/:: Edited on: Tuesday, November 07, 2006 11:35 PMposted at 10:57 PM Ted
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Friday, November 03, 2006

Possibly My Most Worrying Search Term. Ever...
Doing my usual poke around the logs for the site and found:
3 Nov 05:35:13 www.google.com how can i remove my testicles without any problem
For some reasons that's making my eyes water and I'm all kind of tense and stressed now...
And - it's just me mis-hearing the news, but - Colonel Bananarama? hehehe But it's not to be called a coup, okay?
Categories - ::/:: Edited on: Friday, November 03, 2006 5:20 PMposted at 1:57 PM Ted
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Wednesday, November 01, 2006

An Apology By The Way
An apology. Amcom are idiots, but they are quick to fix what they break. Once you've got through to them, which they're slow at. Some turkey at Amcom decided that because my ~ted account is covered by some contractual obligation on their part and doesn't actually need to be paid and therefore there is no payment recorded against the account, that it needed to be shut down. That's the idiot part. Read the notes before pulling the plug, that's SOP for ISP.
Once I brought it to their attention, they fixed it within a few hours. That's the quick part. And I spent the best part of 40 minutes in a queue holding waiting for a support person, that's the s-l-o-w part.
So if you didn't see the blog from midnight Tue/Wed to about 3PM Wed, that's why. Some people at Amcom are idiots, some are very courteous (such as the person I spoke to - finally - this morning) and someone fixed the problem very quickly when it was brought to their attention.
Bouquets and brickbats Amcom, but mainly bouquets...
Categories - ::/:: posted at 10:26 PM Ted
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What's With Petrol Prices Then?
Before you ask why I'm asking that, tell me the story as far as we're aware. Petrol supplies are low and falling behind demand, right? That drives prices up, and that's why we're paying more than a dollar ten a litre for pterol, right?
Apparently not.
Categories - ::/:: posted at 10:12 PM Ted
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10-01-2006_10-31-2006

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Tagged: Metablogging
Thanks to AV for the tag - here he goes:
1-Do you like the look and the contents of your blog?A bit, yep. I worked hard to get just the right balance between totally crap design and totally unbalanced elements, then threw in a shyteload of useless sidebar content like Amazon ads (never earnt a red cent from them in several years) Weather Pixies and Flickr badges, and liked the chaotic look so much I used it on every other blog (see sidebar) I write as well. It looks different on each blog despite being the same template...
2-Does your family know about your blog?Yep - until he passed away my father often read it, my siblings know it's there and ignore it for the most part, my partner knows it's there and doesn't bother.
3-Can you tell your friends about your blog? Do you consider it a private thing?A private thing? Don't be joking with me! Anything you keep written down is no longer private, let alone anything you keep written down on a publically accessibl;e web page on a public webserver connected to the Internet. At my last place of work the traffic to the blog multiplied several hundredfold when I put in a blog article about one of the managers at work and suddenly everyone at work and at several of our clients' workplaces had all read the article... No I told no-one but it just shows what you can kiss goodbye when you blog, meaning your privacy. I LIKE making people react. I prefer laughter but any reaction will do actually.
4-Do you just read the blogs of those who comment on your blog? or you try to discover new blogs?I have a collection of blogs I read often. Mostly I don't comment there and they don't comment here. But I know many more people thanks to blogs, usually discovered by searching for them.
5-Did your blog positively affect (sic) (By the way this is the correct spelling for this application. Ted. See end of article.) your mind? Give an example.Yes. I use the blog to focus my thoughts and attitudes. One of the blogs I sporadically post is about technology/human interaction and it's sparked several ideas for inventions that I haven't patented but which are eminently patentable.
6-What does the number of visitors to your blog mean? Do you use a traffic counter?The traffic counter I use tells me a fair bit about my visitors, from where they are from to how they get here. (Some have a bookmark, some jump here from another page and obviously have a customary trail they follow, etc) I also get traffic figures, which basically tell me that some days you eat bear, some days the bear eats you. If I got many many more visitors a day than I currently do, those Google and Amazon ads might actually make some money one day, that's what the traffic counter tells me.
7-Did you imagine how other bloggers look like?Yes, and invariably never correctly.
8-Do you think blogging has any real benefit?Yes it has the effect of bringing a group of people consisting of bloggers and readers more closely into contact, it allows readers all over the world to experience the world through another blogger's eyes. And that is not to say that books didn't do that already, just that with a blog you don't have to stuff around kissing some publisher's ass to get you vision out there. It lets bloggers share experience without needing any difficult or expensive means, and it lets any reader that wants to, get those different perspectives and experiences.
9-Do you think that the blogsphere is a stand alone community separated from the real world?The "blogosphere" is something that has proven its usefulness (as asked about in the question above) by becoming steadily more and more mainstream. While it initially existed in isolation and splendid geeky enclaves, it is paralleling the way the Internet was first the purview of the elite few, then gained popularity, and is now a global phenomenon. Every MySpace page is a blog in its own right, every personal homepage ever made contains the seeds of bloghood within it. It's what we humans do, it's communication to the max. I would say that in another ten years we will be blogging without any conscious effort, as our Lifecams and so forth record and post our daily doings directly as we go about or day.
10-Do some political blogs scare you? Do you avoid them?There are some blogs which are the political equivalent of religious fundamentalist fanaticism. I don't tend to follow them as closely as the blogs of more sane and balanced people, but you should keep your friends close and potential enemies even closer as they say. If you don't read them then you don't know what they're up to - and one day they could end up running some nation....
11-Do you think that criticising your blog is useful?What? For me to criticise it, or for my readers to do so? Neither will make that much difference to what I write and how I write it, you know? I write like this because this is what and whom I am. If I criticise you for picking your nose and eating boogers, will that stop you? Not likely, you might take pains to avoid doing it in front of me especially if I've been very caustis and harsh, but would it fundamentally rock your world? Thought not. Criticise my views, fine, although again that's what and whom I am, criticise the incorrectness of my facts if you like but usually I can't be bothered to go back and correct something once it's online, but the best form of criticism is self-criticism - if you don't agree with what I say in my blog then you should start to wonder why you're reading my blog in the first place. If it's to see the workd through another person's eyes, then why are you now trying to change the way I see things to fit in with your world-view?
12-Have you ever thought about what would happen to your blog in case you died?I may have a successor, my niece. But then it would become TAmALOG Lite. I doubt anyone would erase my home directory at the ISP where I post, and the wayback machine would also keep a copy of it, so it may last until the end of humankind, assuming that we find storage space to be so cheap that we never bother to delete anything again. It may become historical, but it will probably endure for a while. Anyway, why should I care, I'll be dead.
13-Which blogger had the greatest impression on you?Tim Berners-Lee. His personal blog is, like, really really REALLY big...
14-Which blogger do you think is the most similar to you?Do you have an identical twin? Someone who drinks the same beer you do, tells all the same jokes you do, eats at all the same restaurants you do, bonks the same partners you do? Thought not...
15-Name a song you want to listen to?The anthem. A Polonaise. Anything. I'm listening to music *right now, if you know what I mean, and I think you do* (kibologists will know) and guess what? It's the song I want to listen to right now, and I have no idea what it's called or who it's by until the announcer back-announces it. But I really want to listen to it so stop with all these questions okay?
Here are a few people I think should give this a go:Sara because her blog is a fun celebration of lifeSilly Bahraini Girl because she'll have fun with thisEria whose blog keeps me in touch with my past
You've been tagged peoples, have fun! (And no there's no reason why I picked women out of all the blogs I read, just that they're people I haven't tagged in a while.)
Pedantic nitpick on the use of "affect/effect":Affect is the verb form, if you affect something you are having an Effect or resulting change on whatever it is you are affecting.
To make matters worse we also use "affect" as a noun as in "an affectation" where we mean some quirk or foible someone adopts, and then we also use "effect" as a noun in the sense (usually) of a belonging or something one owns or has.
"Affection" on the other hand is used as the term for love or regard one has for someone or something, as in being affected by that someone/something.
And then the noun "effect" has been bastardised into a verb "effecting" where we mean "having caused an effect to be made" where in fact that usage should never have been allowed or encouraged because look at the effect it's had on the language. English is hard enough without adopting (NOT adapting!) an affected form of grammar and speech...
(Side note: The Wet (sic) Australian newspaper for years ran a column called "My Word" by one PD Jeans, in which Peter would write a small discourse on a word. He was also my High School English teacher and now I can see what an effect his affection for the English language has had on my life... Yikes! %)
Categories - ::/:: posted at 1:32 AM Ted More Comments: (3)
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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Mobile phones and sperm counts...
Now I suppose if I had nuts on my cheeks then I might understand this, but otherwise, I'm stumped.
I mean, the test seems to almost have been empirical, it has no data that might help establish what is going on or which of dozens of factors might be contributing.
Take the "used mobile phones for more than four hours a day" - what do they actually mean by that? Used the phone to prop their balls up? Used the phone as a suppository? For heaven's sake, who spends half their working day on the phone?
Also, if by "using" they mean speaking on the phone, are they talking about a naked mobile phone, using a wired headset, bluetooth headset, or what? Because I mean to say, sticking a mobile phone next to my face should not affect my sperm count, because my sperm is made in my testicles almost a metre south of there, and that means that the radiation reaching there is about 1/1000th as much as is reaching my ear, which is about the same as what would reach my testicles from the portable phone beside the bed, the total combined amount of radio signals from TV stations, radio stations, two way radios, and other stray sources.
If by "using" the researchers (if I may call them by such a title) meant "hanging on your belt" then if that also includes "and speaking on the phone using a wired or bluetooth headset" then THAT could explain it. While in use the mobile phone transmitter is punching out a fair amount of RF and if used in this way, a large amount of radio signal is sleeting its way through your gonads.
If the mobile phone is just sitting on your belt then every 20 - 60 minutes it will squawk for a cell, that is a 3 second burst around every 3/4 of an hour, so in four hours that could be six 3 second bursts, again, you get that much radio wave going through you when a taxi driver hits the button to acknowledge a fare or whatever. Okay so that doesn't happen to you every day - but it does to taxi drivers... Are they more infertile than other men? The "study" doesn't say because they didn't think of it.
So I suggest that perhaps the kind of people that are on their mobile phone for four hours a day are also the kinds of people that skip a meal here and there, drink way too much coffee, get way too shitfaced rat-arsed after work, indulge in way too many chemical-laced fast foods. Any of which could also contribute to decreased sperm count and mobility. Just sayin...
Categories - ::/:: posted at 10:36 PM Ted Comment made, yay!
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Monday, October 23, 2006

Not Thinking
about where I work or anything, but what do you do if you're a system administrator and your IT manager suddenly decides to "help" and in the process creates three times as much work for you?
I do know of one such place where the IT manager's help caused the system administrator to quit recently, and I am finding that a similar situation means I may soon do the same. I'm more of a mind to discuss things first but it seems to me that there isn't going to be much point, as my manager is doing things from a genuine desire to help me while I have a large workload, so anything I say is going to get construed as hostile.
Anyways not your problem, but if you read here that I've moved jobs you'll know what that's all about.
HOUSE NEWS we had a couple in to look at the place before it was even officially open but they didn't seem to find it suitable. Not disappointed as it's not even officially on market yet, but the early interest has been encouraging. Home is open next Sunday afternoon, look in the Real Estate ads for a home open in Parkwood if you're interested.
Categories - ::/:: posted at 1:30 AM Ted
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Sunday, October 22, 2006

4400 thoughts
Just an example of media misdirection- 4400 is on again, and just like the first time I saw it, I'm wondering just how unlikely a scenario has to be before network chiefs decide not to run with it.
I'm not talking about people that can bring birds back to life or suck life out of other people. I have no problem with that, it's just an extension of human skills right now - vets and doctors get better and better at preserving life every month, and as for the other, well we have John Howard and His Merrye Staffe...
Nope - I'm balking at the idea of 4400 people appearing in the middle of the USA and actually being allowed to see the light of day again ever. Come on, the States has never had a very liberal attitude towards illegal imigrants, and anyone that just suddenly appeared out of a UFO in front of hundreds of people are just asking to disappear and have cover stories made up about how they were all just marsh gas appearing in the light of Venus.
And I know that the 4400 each have some incredible talents but not too many of them would have the ability to avoid copper jacketed ordnance... That seems to be a very USA way to deal, not that crap about just letting 4400 potential biological weapons loose on the streets.
So one wonders why the damn series was even produced, doesn't one?
Categories - ::/:: posted at 11:37 PM Ted Comment made, yay!
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Saturday, October 21, 2006

Three Thoughts
Firstly, a few weeks ago on "Whats Good For You" (don't laugh I watch it cos Sigrid's on it...) they tested food that had been left to grow mould in the fridge and guess what? They found mould...
So it occurs to me that the average kitchen isn't laboratory-sterile, right? I would love to see potatoes tested. Nice fresh potatoes, whatever. Or for that matter any other foodstuff. Cos surprise surprise - there are germs in the world with us, and fungi and moulds. And they have to eat too. In the good old days we ate our food and never worried that something else was eating it too.
In the good old days, we probably welcomed the additional nutrients. More importantly, our bodies coped with the freeloaders and were stronger for it. Nowadays we eliminate the bugs and then wonder why so many people are sick. The implication, stated quite overtly by the "scientists" on the show, was that once something got a speck of mould on it, it would most definitely kill you, or at least render you incapacitated. What a load of crap!
Let's face it some of our food actually IS a fungus, such as mushrooms! And other foods - well, they grow in the dirt!! Fed by fertilisers that are usually made of crap! And then other things eat some of that filthy stuff and we kill those things and eat them!
So bollocks to you Sigrid, this is a beat-up. Go test other foods, go on I dare you!
Okay so I lied about three thoughts...
Categories - ::/:: posted at 11:40 PM Ted
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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

BSOD Brain!
Interesting article, here. My thoughts, here.
Stupid thought about ad currently on TV, here:
"Want lighter insurance?" is the tagline of this ad. Makes perfect sense to me, to insure your house against accidentally taking a lighter to it... How stupid ARE the people who write these ads, really? They surely can't be so totally effing stupid that they say things like this and don't get the connotations? So are they a company that you would want handling YOUR advertising? Nuh-uh, not likely. I prefer my advertising geniuses with at least two neurons so they can form at least one synapse...
Like the old joke about the three men in the Bahamas isn't it?
Businessman 1: "I'm here cos there was a fire, destroyed my business. Insurance paid up, and here I am."Businessman 2: "I'm here cos there was an explosion, destroyed my house, my business. Insurance paid up, and here I am."Businessman 3: "I had a flood, washed away my business, my house, my car, and my family. Insurance paid up and here I am."Silence. Pause.Businessmen 1& 2: "How do you start a flood?"
Categories - ::/:: Edited on: Tuesday, October 17, 2006 9:37 PMposted at 9:34 PM Ted
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Categories - ::/:: posted at 3:36 AM Ted
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Monday, October 16, 2006

Fortnight since I blogged, sorry
And what a fortnight it's been. I've had pneumonia and acute bronchitis, one due to co-workers one due to paint fumes at home. Paint fumes? Yeah because we're selling, and want the place as noice as possible for the new purchasers. So all the little jobs I've been putting of, for, ohhhh, say, a few years.... Have been getting done now, all the floors finished, doorframes around the new laundry sliding door finally fitted, and paint paint paint everywhere. Couple of rooms have not been painted but I tell ya tis very few...
Windows polished, and I've even reconnected the dishwasher we were going to sell because with two of us there was just never a need for it and I was going to sell it and turn the space into cupboards.
Person buying this place will also get a nice stainless microwave and coffee espresso machine thrown in because they fit the space in the pantry recess so well, and may get a few other knicknacks as well. Oh yeah and they get a gardening shed out front and a serious shed out back, as well. I am so proud of that shed out back, laid the pad and assembled it myself, and welded up a huge rack to take boxes and material like wood and steel.
Buyers also get spare tiles for each of the two bathrooms, one fully private, the other with a spa, and paint oddments for everywhere, and heaps more. Built in wardrobes to all four bedrooms, tile kitchen and family/dining room floors, all other rooms except bathrooms and two bedrooms have floating wood flooring that I laid and fixed, it's an excellent place now.
Two carports, rear patio, and heaps of fruit trees out the front, Trish is sad to see it go, and so to a degree am I - but I'd prefer to move closer for both our workplaces, also I've lived inner-city much more than I have lived suburbs, and definitely lived more NOR than SOR so we're looking for a place to rent around Daglish Jolimont Subiaco West Leederville Leederville Vic Park East Vic Park Lathlain Carlisle areas unless we can find one decent rental place in the City itself that has two bedrooms and doesn't cost an arm and a leg...
We're also looking for a 20 foot to 28 foot caravan and a hilux 4.0d to tow it, or a motor home, so we can go hunting down our ideal country property and once we have that, taake a holiday at our leisure around Australia.
Know anyone interested in our place, anyone with a caravan, a hilux 4.0d, a place to rent at mates rates for a fellow blogger, or a country property, let them know we're here!
Categories - ::/:: posted at 1:13 AM Ted
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Monday, October 02, 2006

Poem Across The Decades.
As we're selling up and moving house, I went through many many boxes of my father's possessions, airing out a lot of it and seeing what's there. Two sheets of paper fell out of one book, written in dot matrix printer, and turned out to be copies of poems I'd written in the mid to late 80's. I think I have second sight...
SMOKEY'S LAMENT
Smokey the bear went out one day,Found a six lane carriageway,Saw the cars belch fumes and soot,People competing to pollute!Something welled in Smokey's eye,A bitter tear, he wiped it dry . . .
How long can we do it, this rape of the soil, This searching and striving for land to despoil? How long can we pillage the trees of this land, Before we fall victim to our own wanton hand? Silting the rivers with algae and spill, How long before we must swallow this pill?
Smokey the bear turned aside for the city,Sad there the earth, and the more was his pity,Covered in concrete, entombed in highrise,Cloud of pollution was hiding the skies,Coughing and stumbling and hiding his tears,Smokey resolved not to come back for years.
Kill the damn bugs, for the ruin our hay! Curse them with sprays for they get in our way! Coursing their ways through the Earth's veins they ran, Now in us all, every child, woman, man! Salt in the tillage, a new man-disease, We've forsaken the land and raped her of trees!
Smokey the bear turned his steps to the West,To places which once were with native life blest,Found only farms all steriles and bare,Rusting machines - man must once have been there.Bowed now and weeping and heavy of heart,To the wide oceans did Smokey make start.
Full of our excrement, turgid and green,The results of the Exxon Valdeez were here seen, (yes I added these verses when reprinting it for Dad, in 1990.)And great were the fishes that died in the net,And great was the whale (what was left of him yet)Lifeless the reefs and the corals as one,Nature again has by man been undone.
Smokey the bear thought he knew of a place,Safe, and so far from our human death race,Made for the east, for the rainforests there,(Arrived just as we laid the last acre bare)Heavy of heart now and laden with doubt,Smokey the bear booked a fare to the South . . .
"Here in Antarctica, surely," thought he,"I will no more of this man-folly see?"Alas - that which greeted him, ugly and dusty,Campsites abandoned, and boats reefed and rusty,And with horror he noticed his blistering skin,- No-one had told him the ozone was thin . . .
Smokey the bearAsked the Lord for one boon,And so, in a thrice,Was set sail for the Moon,But space debrisGot in his way,Up there, whereKiller Sputniks prey,And on the MoonWe'd left our traces,Pitted robots andRocket cases . . .
And so on he continued, he's gone off to see,If somewhere there might be a sane galaxy,We're left here to face this our pell-mell race,To make amends to our birthing-place.A beautiful world that we treated unfair,- And without Smokey, what hope is left there?
SING A SONG OF CHAOS
Sing a song of Chaos,Entropy reversed,New and strange attractors,In the mind are nursed.
Mindful of another verse,I can but watch and frown -It looks just like "Atishoo!""We all fall down..."
Ere I wake this morning,Before I end my sleep,I pray to have a gentle dream,A treasure I can keep.
No more nuclear nightmare,Frightening to my rest,Pleas, not another forest raped,With axe and chainsaw "blest!"
Wanna dream of pastures green,Not razed by 2-4-5-T,Please - show me a verdant place,Where in dreams I can be.
Let me look on fish and whales,At play in waters blue,Don't show me an albatross,Dying in black goo!
Let me roma a mountain range,Not opencut collier's pit,I want to swim on beaches clean,Not have dodge through shit!
Oh Progress, you are wonderful,You fill me with such dread,You've stuffed a lovely countryNow you're starting on my head . . .
------------------------------------
Please pass this URL to people - I know it's not good poetry, but it has a message that's crossed almost 30 years and is even more important today. Both verses are (C)opyright of myself 1980 and again this year 2006 but I give permission for them to be reprinted as long as they remain unaltered and the URL, copyright, and attributions are preserved and displayed.
Categories - ::/:: Edited on: Monday, October 02, 2006 6:21 PMposted at 12:15 PM Ted
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