Tuesday, 30 January 2007

Elephant Canon

Had to do this - the canonical elephant jokes list. I am so woeful... This is from the late 90's so the emails probably don't work any more, in any case I've broken them with spaces.


-----------------------------------------------------INTRODUCTION------------
In the imortal words of "tsh adow @ cari na . un m . edu (The Shadow)"Yeah, yeah, elephant jokes are stupid, but when under the influence of cheap beer and even cheaper tequilla, they can be pretty amusing.

This list has been generated from my own collection, as well as the lists of "The Shadow" and "bo bk @ gibdo . eng r . wash in gton . edu".
Each joke is separated by a line with "==".
There are may similar jokes included here, and I will try to tidy them up before the next posting.
WARNING: some of these jokes are considered "semi-x-rated" please take this into consideration when distributing this list

PS. If you have any more jokes to add to this list, please send them to me.

------------------------------------------------------NON-QA JOKES------------
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession.

The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.

The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"

The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."

==

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was$10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000.

All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump.Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000.

Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no." Same deal as before: $10 per entry,$50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail.

Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?"

The elephant nods yes.

The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?"

The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....

==

Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good gimmick to get people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at the time and the parade for the circus was on. As the elephants went by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don't laugh.

He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant. It just so happen that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the elephant.

Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading: "Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."

Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and soon the jar was almost full.

Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear you will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000."

"Yeah, he's out back"

After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could be heard coming from behind the bar. Every one in the bar raced back to see what was going on. When they got there the elephant was LAUGHING!!! The man could not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant laugh.

A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading:

"Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."

Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the elephant to stop laughing. Finally the man who had gotten the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the elephant from laughing.

Seeings as no one had, he once more went back behind the bar to see the elephant.
In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. Allthe patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears running down its cheeks. Once again a bet was a bet and the bar owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry.

"Easy." said the man, "When I first went back there I told him my dick was bigger than his. And now I just proved it."

==

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.

Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?".

Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don'tbelieve I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"

With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to,but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"

==

PACHYDERMIC PERSONNEL PREDICTION by Peter C. Olsen
A bold new proposal for matching high-technology people and professions

Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and millions of dollars in funding. This is particularly true for high-technology organizations where talent is scarce and expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by the finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel optimization have resulted in the development of a simple and foolproof test to determine the best match between personality and profession. Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned the jobs for which they are truly best suited.

The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt elephants. The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined below. The subject should be assigned to the general job classification that best matches the observed behavior.

CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will
(1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
(2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

Sales People don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

Software sales people ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

Hardware sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

VALIDATION A validation survey was conducted about these rules. Almost all the people surveyed about these rules were valid. A few were invalid, but they expected to recover soon. Based on the survey, a statistical confidence level was determined. Ninety-five percent of the people surveyed have at least 67 percent confidence in statistics.

ACKNOWLEDGMENT This study has benefited from the suggestions and observations of many people, all of whom would prefer not to be mentioned by name.

==

Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed acork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go. A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.

One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung. The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance.

The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer.

BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!

The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second(2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.

"What the %$*& is so funny?" asked one of the scientist.

"You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!"

==

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"

His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk.""No, at the other end."

"That son is the tail.""No, mummy, the thing under the elephant"

A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "Thats nothing."

The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question. "Daddy, what is that long thing?"

"That's the trunk, son" replies the father."No at the other end."

"Oh, that is the tail.""No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.

"That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?"

"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.

Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."

==

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:
The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

==

Hickory Dickory Dock,
An elephant ran up the clock,
The clock is being repaired.

==

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.

"Damn", says the ant, "one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------QA JOKES--------
Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.
==
Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.
==
Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
==
Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
==
Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
==
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.
==
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
==
Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.
==
Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.
==
Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.
==
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
==
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
==
Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
==
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
==
Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
==
Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
A: He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree.
- similar joke -
Q: Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
==
Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A native eating cherries.
==
Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.
==
Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.
==
Q: How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
A: Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.
==
Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.
==
Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute practice.)
==
Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.
==
Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?
A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg... Booooiiiiiinnnngggg... Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...
==
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
==
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
==
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
==
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
==
Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
A: An elephant's foreskin.
==
Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.
==
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.
==
Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)
==
Q: If an elephant's front legs are going 5 mph, what are it's back legs doing?
A: Hauling ass, baby, hauling ass!!
==
Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?
A: You can't get the toilet seat down.
==
Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.
==
Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
==
Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagon bug?
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back
==
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.
==
Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.
==
Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.
==
Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW bug parked outside it.
==
Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge. A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!

Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, get two VW's out, put tarzan in, close door.
==
Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
==
Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!
==
Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.
==
Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.
==
Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
A: The sun roof.
==
Q: The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the VW bug.
==
Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
A: None, the elephants are in there!
==
Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!
==
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.
==
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.
==
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: You walk him and pitch to the Zebra! (I heard Rhino, from "HOT SHOTS")
==
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: Its bike is outside.
==
Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.
==
Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
==
Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
==
Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
==
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.
==
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
==
Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.
==
Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
==
Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?
A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.
==
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."
==
Q: What did Jane say?
A: Here come the blueberries. (Jane was color blind)
==
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
==
Q: How do you make an elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons tons of bananas,.....
==
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamp out forest fires.
==
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamp out flaming ducks.
==
Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
==
Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
==
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They can't tell time.
==
Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?
A: Watchless natives.
==
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)
==
Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
==
Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.
==
Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.
==
Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
A: She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.
==
Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.
==
Q. Why do elephants have four feet?
A. Because lady elephants have big twats.
==
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
==
Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Snakes.
==
Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A: Epileptic pigmies.
==
Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: 'Cos sheep don't have strings.
==
Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?
A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
==
Q: What is an elephant's sex organ?
A: His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!
==
Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatoligist.
==
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.
==
Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
A: "Why can't I be on top this time?"
==
Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?
==
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
==
Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?
A: Wipe it off!
==
Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A: None of the offspring survived.
==
Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass?
A: VERY attractive.
==
Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?
A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!
==
Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).
==
Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
A: Cos(Theta) Note: Assumes elephant = grape = 1
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.
==
Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.
==
Q: What's grey and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.
==
Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A: Swim for your life!!
==
Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?
A: To trip low flying canaries.
==
Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
A: He wasn't laying on his back.
==
Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?
A: Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. (somebody want to explain this for me?) (It's okay we all know it...)
==
Q: Whats that red stuff between elephants toes?
A: Slow pygmies.
==
Q: What do you do when you see a thousand elephants coming down the mountain slopes?
A: Swim for your life!
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A: A dead ant.
==
Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.
==
Q: What does an elephant with a runny nose (trunk) need?
A: A blow job.
==
Q: How do you make an elephant fly?
A: Start with a 3 foot zipper.
==
Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A: An elephant with spare parts
==
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: To pick up the squashed chicken.
==
Q: What is the height of ambition?
A: An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.
==
Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.
==
Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Garbage bags!
==
Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture!
==
Q: Why do pygmies wear giant condoms on their heads?
A: Because if an elephant steps on them, they're fucked!
==
Q: What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized he'd stepped on a pygmie?
A: Look what I just stepped in!
==
Q: What do elephants use for slippers?
A: Sheep!
==
Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.
==
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat?
A: A dead rat with an 18 inch asshole!
==
Q: What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?
A: Elephant boogers.
==
Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Dodge?
A: 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.

1 comment:

baby girl names said...

Great post. Hilarious and creative. Thanks for sharing with us.

De Counter Bits

 Subscribe in a reader | Add to Google Reader or Homepage | Subscribe in Bloglines | Ajax CommentLuv Enabled 38bd227bbe6382790452da794a46a311

Email Subscriptions powered by FeedBlitz

Subscribe to all my blogs at once!

Your email address:


Powered by FeedBlitz